Resolutions, if kept, would change world

Published 12:00 am Friday, December 30, 2005

It's funny how a new year seems to bring out the best in people. Or, at least, aspirations to be their best.

Each Jan. 1, people all over the world (join in!) collectively break out their yellow legal pads and jot down things they're going to do right in the new year, commonly referred to as New Year's Resolutions. They resolve to do this. They resolve to do that. Lose weight, get out of debt, and help others. In short: make their lives better. At least better than their current situation dictates.

Although many make such resolutions, few follow through with them. 90 percent of Americans don't make it to February.

That has me thinking: what if everyone who made New Year's resolutionsŠstuck with them? Let's look at a few of the more popular resolutions among Americans for 2006:

Lose weight: If everybody in America dropped poundage down to their ideal weight, the United States' mainland would rise a mile high. Coastal cities would be safe from rising sea levels and everyone would be trim and fit. Diet books and diet pills would be obsolete, as would fast food, and gym owners would become multimillionaires overnight due to the need of Americans to maintain that perfect body. Contraceptive companies would have to massively increase production in order to meet demand.

Quit smoking: Imagine life without Big Tobacco. New landfills would have to be found for the millions of &#8220No Smoking” signs ripped out of restaurants and other public buildings. Lung cancer would become a disease of the past. Prisoners would be forced to trade gum for favors instead of a pack of Kool's.

Get out of debt: Millions of people, whose sole job is to call customers up and harass them about a late payment, would lose their jobs and spend the rest of their lives in psychiatric hospitals playing with red and blue toy telephones. All the major credit card companies would go out of business. Doctors would be inundated by patients complaining of writing cramps because of the increased use in checks. Businesses would have to invest in giant cash registers because &#8220mo money, mo problems.”

Get organized: Goodwill and the Salvation Army would have to purchase thousands of warehouses because the packrats decided to finally let go of all those college T-shirts, baby clothes and Elvis memorial ashtrays they've stockpiled for years.

Spend more time with family and friends: Incidences of assault in America would jump astronomically because of all the extra time family and friends now spend together.

Proof that there is too much of a good thing.

Kevin Pearcey is Group Managing Editor of Greenville Newspapers, LLC. He can be reached by phone at 383-9302, ext. 136 or by email at: editor@greenville.advocate.com.