Few things outside the realm of college football remain as sacred as the institution of marriage.

After all, marriage is the covenant a couple establishes before God himself to stick it out through thick and thin.

It is intended to be the most binding and long-lasting contract this side of Kobe’s deal with the Lakers.

With that said, we should completely ignore the fact that proper marriage itself is a literal coin toss of a proposition that only half of American couples survive.

We should also ignore that divorce rates among same-sex couples are actually lower than divorce rates among heterosexual couples. Statistics always seem to favor smaller populations, for whatever reason.

Besides, the heart of the gay marriage issue extends well beyond the church or the courtroom.

The notion of gay couples is an attack on the American nuclear family, as we know it.

It’s well documented, after all, that children belonging to gay couples are far more susceptible to cause problems at home and within society at large.

Probably.

The United States sits proudly atop the higher end of the single-parent spectrum, with about a quarter of its children living with just one mom or dad. And as the common saying goes, one mom or dad is better than two.

But perhaps the biggest threat gay marriage poses to our great nation is its potential to spread like wildfire, or a particularly nasty skin rash.

Fortunately, philosopher, media mogul and 700 Club televangelist Pat Robertson famously declared last month, that “you know, those who are homosexual will die out because they don’t reproduce.”

Phew. Bullet dodged.

But really, those homosexual couples who have yet to be granted the basic human right to wed have one leg-up over their heterosexual counterparts—weddings are really, really expensive.

Editor’s note: This column was written in a satirical tone.