Is the one you hooked a keeper?

Published 2:30 pm Wednesday, May 16, 2012

You hear it all the time.

“I’ll tell you what, that girl is a keeper.”

But how do you know? With 6.5 billion fish in the sea, how can you know when you’ve hooked a keeper or when you should practice catch-and-release?

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While I don’t currently have a guide to dating or a self-help book on the market, I do think I have a few questions that will help you figure out if the one you hooked is a keeper or if you should toss her back into the water.

First, do you have this gnawing suspicion in the back of your mind that she might be smarter than you?

That’s bad. No, it’s good. Life is much better when you’re with someone who can teach you a thing or two.

Second, does she always agree with you?

While it’s nice to be right, and even nicer to be told you are right, it’s also kind of boring. If a girl is a keeper, she also has an opinion. If she won’t choose a position and defend it, toss her back.

Thirdly, if the two of you get married will you starve to death?

That’s pretty self-explanatory.

The fourth question you need to ask is if your zodiac signs are compatible.

Just kidding. If she cares about that, toss her back as fast as you can.

And finally, can you lie down beside her at night and close your eyes without worrying that she’s going to harm you?

Again, this should be self-explanatory.

If you answered yes to these questions you have found a keeper, Mister.

Trust me. I know.

First, I don’t have a gnawing suspicion that my wife is smarter than I am. I know it for a fact.

Second, my wife occasionally agrees with me. She’s also not afraid to tell me when she thinks something I am saying is 31 flavors of crazy.

Thirdly, I have gained approximately 20 pounds since I have been married.

Fourthly, my wife has never uttered the phrase, “What’s your sign?”

And finally, I’ve never opened my eyes after hitting the sack to find my wife sitting in bed beside me sharpening a knife.

That’s five for five. So, she’s obviously a keeper. Lots of folks have told me so.